Age denial: Another form of gaslighting
Photo Credit: John Blanding. Boston Globe
Hello dear friends,
This one is long, so stay with me!
About 18 years ago (time does fly!) I had the privilege of volunteering for a most wonderful and extraordinary organization called Powerful Voices.
Part of my job was mentoring middle school girls, teaching media literacy and the perpetuation of limited and harmful beauty standards (i.e. White, thin, young, “symmetrical” facial features. You know the drill) in print, television and films.
I remember at the time telling the girls not to beat themselves up for continuing to struggle with comparison and shame about their faces and bodies after taking one media literacy class.
These images are so pervasive, so deeply imbedded in our psyche, that it can be a lifelong practice to resist internalizing them, even when we know they are toxic.
So here we are 20 years later in the age of Instagram and idealized images of beauty and lifestyle on steroids: filtered, Facetuned and Photoshopped.
Why isn’t media literacy a standard part of K- 12 curriculum?
I am no exception to this indoctrination and when I started using Instagram to reach out and share my offerings, I felt self-conscious when I noticed that there were not many older faces in my feed (recent stats on Instagram usage confirm this) and that I had to make a concerted effort to find them.
So, I started posting about aging on Instagram and I got some positive responses:
“Seeing other folks over 45 does my heart good! When I hear you talk about aging and looking older, it’s something I have said to myself, too, and honestly, it forces a confrontation of my mortality. This isn’t comfortable, but it’s the truth of it all. I started a new practice where, instead of getting angry at my body for not looking the same or acting the same, I practice thanking my body for what it’s given me and how strong it’s been. I absolutely love meeting folks my age and comparing wisdoms gained or laughing at stuff our generation “gets” (Genx), so please keep doing what you’re doing! 💕” “I love that you started this conversation! And I think it’s a broader phenomenon than aging. There is a component of distortion of the reality on Social Media.”
And then I got several comments like these:
"Age is a number, you decide what it means to YOU. Don’t let any or all media define what is “old. “ Your body follows what your mind believes ...”
“It seems like you are trying to make an issue out of something that is not an issue to gain followers” (ouch!).
Here’s the thing though: I absolutely agree that we get define for ourselves what aging means to us.
But "age is just a number" feels like a bypass of the reality of aging and ageism.
This is what author Ashton Applewhite calls Age Denial: “There are proponents of ‘successful aging’… which hold that healthy behaviors and ‘can-do’ strategies can hold aging at bay. That’s still denial, a high-end version that tends to overlook the very important role of socioeconomic class and potential disability in shaping how ‘successfully’ we age…We’re so busy feeling young that we stay blind to the ageism in and around us and never learn to defend ourselves against it.”
Unlike race or gender, age and ability are target groups for oppression that are not fixed, so we are often unprepared for them and hold deep internalized ageism and ableism throughout our lives.
This creates a lot of suffering as we get older and our bodies don’t work the way they did in our 30’s. We feel like we’ve failed.
Add racism, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, poverty and other isms to this mix and age-oppression is exponentially amplified.
In fact, many of the stereotypes we assign to "unsuccessful" aging are actually more about health disparates experienced by the poor, houseless, and people struggling with their mental health.
Institutional and medical racism, ableism and sexism also play big roles in quality of life, no matter how old you are.
So yes, when someone tells me that “age is just a number” or “not a real issue” that does feel like a form of gaslighting to me.
And let’s not forget that ageism goes both ways.
Think about the harm caused by our culture's pervasive lack of respect for children and teenagers.
I am aware of how unfairly disparaging people in my generation can be towards Millennials and Youngers, towards Boomers and Elders.
I have been guilty of this myself in the past and it stops NOW.
What do you think about this topic?
What are your experiences with aging?
I’d love to hear from you. And if you read this all the way to the bottom, thank you for hanging in there with me!
So Much Love,
Christina
P.S. If you’ve read this far, thank you! I invite you to join my mailing list for occasional musings and updates on retreats and events. I won't spam you, or share your data. Let's start supporting small businesses on platforms they own!